I went home yesterday, made dinner, then put my son to bed before I allowed myself to relax in the sitting room. As laid back on my chaise, looking out the window at all the stars, I thought about Ryan. My mind ran wild with thoughts of the past, the present, and the future.
The elephant in the room is, who was that blonde girl? And was Ryan even available?
I assumed the blonde was his girlfriend. If so, our timing was off again and there would be no way that Ryan and I could even consider rekindling that old flame. If she was, indeed, Ryan’s current girlfriend, I wouldn’t allow myself to get in between them and their relationship. Ryan and I would be, at best, life-long friends.
I was looking forward to Ryan’s call because there were so many things I wanted to catch up on. Where was he living? Did he have any kids? Was he still working on the rigs? I was genuinely interested in his life now.
There was something else tugging at my mind. I couldn’t deny all the questions from our past. There were things I was curious about, that I wanted answers to. Did he regret the things that had happened between us? Or did he look back and smile when he thought of me? Did he have the same affections towards me as I had towards him back then? Or was I just another notch in his bedpost? Did he hate me for the way things had turned out? Not that I needed to know, but I would have liked some closure.
Yet, I’m an adult now, and I know that sometimes we don’t find the answers we’re looking for in life. Sometimes, we don’t get answers at all. And I was satisfied with that, as well.
My only hope was that he knew that I felt a pang of regret once in a while when I thought of him. I regret walking away without trying harder. And I regret giving up when I believe I should have tried harder. I wanted him to know that, if given a second chance, I would have given everything I had as an adult – that of which I couldn’t give when I was a teenager. He needed to know that I appreciated our time together in the past and I held no ill will against him for how things ended up. Lastly, I wanted him to know that I was sorry for the awkwardness, the distance between us, and the chances we didn’t take.
Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that he may not have felt the same way as I did. But that doesn’t diminish the feelings of regret and appreciation that I have inside from our time spent together.
Was I now desperate to be reunited? No. Our lives had taken us in separate directions and I understand how life works at our age. But I liked the idea that we could get back on friendly terms again. I hated having enemies of any kind.
Just as I felt swallowed by all the random thoughts in my head, my phone rang.