That first meeting with Tanya couldn’t have been easy for her. I was emotionally shut down after everything I had gone through and I wasn’t an easy person to be with. But she took it all moment by moment.
I didn’t say much in our first meeting. Instead, I let her do most of the talking so I could feel her out a bit. I had trust issues then and I always kept people at arms length. Tanya was no exception, at that time. When she asked me questions, my answers were minimal and lacked any kind of pertinent information about myself.
Part of me wished she could just read my mind and tell me the answers to all my problems – I mean, isn’t that what guidance councillors are for?? Aren’t they supposed to give you the answers and coping tools to be able to get through tough times? Little did I realize, at that time, that she needed to understand what kind of problems I had before she could help me through them. It was a catch-22. I didn’t want to share my problems, but I wanted help through them. I was experienced, yet not. I was young and had dreams, but didn’t feel worthy of those dreams.
And it was Tanya who helped me realize that I was, indeed, worthy. She made me realize that, regardless of who we are, we are all worthy of our dreams. The first few times I went in to see her, she was patient, kind, and she was always smiling, regardless of what kind of mood I was in.
Slowly, I opened up to her, little by little. In the beginning, she saw the hurt, the anger, and the resentment inside of me. I believe she had a good idea of what type of personality she was dealing with. I didn’t smile. I didn’t tell her about the good things that happened to me. She only saw the negative side of me. Which, I now know, was my way of protecting the myself from getting hurt. It was my default state.
But still she persevered.